The Cardiovascular President

January 24, 2007

Our president is nearing the end of his tenure. How will he be remembered?

First, he's been perhaps our most healthy and fit president—physically and psychologically, and there's no doubt that the two are related. Those workouts must at least partly explain his legendary ability to sleep so soundly each night.

Then there's the steely gaze. But behind that gaze is always a sly hint that all of this is sort of funny. Often, the funny part is of course the liberal press and the Democratic politicians. They literally knock themselves out to get at the reality of a situation, and when something goes wrong, there's no end to the hand-wringing. Calm down, people: this isn't Riyadh; nobody's going to saw off your hands, he seems to be thinking (but no doubt without the colon and semicolon).

Complementing that gaze is of course the iron hair. And unlike Bill Clinton's own thick mane, his isn't a curly mass but a tangled, manly swirl. It's a good thing he's a Westerner; it would be a shame to cover up such a head with a turban.

There's more to a legacy, of course, than looks and mannerisms, and Bush will be assessed also on his policies and actions. Fortunately for the historians, Bush has been so straightforward that it's possible to review his presidency by means of a sort of randomized, annotated list:

Tax cuts. Everybody knows that in an era of near-perfect centralization of industrial and military endeavors, it is the very rich who lead the way. From the massive Kansas feedlots to the offices of Microsoft, from Google to General Motors, innovation and profit are a matter of vast resources. Gone are the days of the Wright brothers, plying their bicycles into flying machines. . . . Not earmarked for financial success? Take heart: prices have never been better. Everyone can share the wealth: from french fries at the local food court to video cameras obtained on credit. And relax: there's no such thing anymore as debtors' prisons. Just be sure not to use illicit drugs or drive home from the bar and you should have no problem living out your life in comfort.

September 11, 2001. Bush fully turned off his smirk for several days following this event, showing that when gravity is called for, he can deliver.

Afghanistan. Bush has been accused of a sort of Texas provincialism. Worse, he's also been charged with intellectual incuriosity. But who is the one leading the charge into foreign lands? Have you been to Afghanistan? Bush has.

Iraq. Ditto for Iraq. Think of the knowledge gained by the present imbroglio. Compare the two scenarios: (a) sit tight in our America Eden and let Saddam Hussein hold down the fort, knowing that he's a stubborn, vain secularist, cynical enough to play the sectarian religious tensions against each other and to his own advantage, or (b) go in there and smash things.* By the former scenario, you gain practically nothing. Iraq cannot be learned about in a book. As Germany and Japan have demonstrated, the real knowledge comes from taking an engine apart and putting it back together. And just as we gained a profound knowledge of the culture of Vietnam (what little of it there is) by actually going there, we will have learned some important things about Iraqis too before all this is over (their profound anxiety where women's bodies are concerned, a nearly Japanese tendency toward suicide, a proclivity for bickering about religion, a fondness for hookahs, to name just a few).

The environment. The earth is a big planet. The ranch is as beautiful this year as it was last year. Washington's cherry blossoms were gorgeous last spring. We must be doing something right. Let's keep it that way. (Yes, Iraq's way too hot and dry in the summer, but this isn't Iraq.)

Mountain biking. A rugged president needs a rugged pastime. This is a president who doesn't wilt in the heat. What's more, studies have shown that a fit body is indicative of superior cognitive function.

Thin lips. Like his father, George Bush has relatively thin lips. But that's unfair. His lips aren't any thinner than anyone else's. They're just folded onto each other. He's not thin-lipped, he's tight-lipped. Unlike many of his liberal counterparts, he doesn't talk the issues to death. Anything can be justified or unjustified. Go with your gut.

Fantastic advisers. As Harry Callahan said in Magnum Force as he sent the hapless milquetoast Lieutenant Briggs off to his death, "A man's got to know his limitations." And the best way to address one's limitations is to understand that you cannot be all things to all people. Bush, for example, is not black, nor is he Hispanic, nor does he wear a stent, and he's not a woman. Fortunately for us, Bush knew almost instinctively to cover all these bases and more.

No alcohol, not even fine wines. But when this is all over, if Bush wants a nice stiff drink, he will have deserved it. Grant drank, and he was a great man. In fact, if it weren't for the advent of the automobile and Eisenhower's interstate highway system, which exposes drinkers to grave danger, Bush might still be doing it. Fortunately, when this is all over, he'll have the benefit of designated drivers (lifetime Secret Service) who are charged with going wherever he goes.

So it's relatively clear that George Bush is likely to be remembered as the man who opened up the vast, inscrutable Middle East to American eyes, and as the most rugged president since T.R.

*"By what right," you may ask. Well, it's not as if we didn't warn them. The Bush team made it quite clear that if the Iraqis didn't start behaving like Westerners, he'd send in the military and demolish their buildings and make their lives a living nightmare. Yet even knowing full well that we'd make good on our word, they refused to cooperate.

© 2010 Russell David Harper