RDH - November 2008: The Candidates Will Be New, but What Will They Be Saying?

November 2008: The Candidates Will Be New, but What Will They Be Saying?

September 19, 2007

The United States will finally get around to electing a new president next year. This person, who of course won't be the current president, will nonetheless share many similarities with the outgoing leader. He or she will be obligated, for example, to appear frequently in expensive business attire and to be well groomed. There will also be the usual tendency to attend public functions and to work within the established system. Any true, measurable differences—in, for example, style of bathroom use or degree of natural protection from sunlight—will certainly be important, but just how significant these differences will be remains to be seen.

Speculation more than a year in advance of such a momentous occasion is a little risky, but it might be fun. In that spirit, I've put together a hypothetical debate among three hypothetical nominees—one from each of the two major parties and a third who is running as an independent candidate. To make things more interesting, I've put this mock debate together without having bothered to interest myself in the nascent campaign for the 2008 elections. Enough with the preliminaries; let's get to the debate.

November 2008: A Hypothetical Three-Way Debate

Q. Would you pull our troops out of Iraq, and if so, when?

Dem. Yes, I'd pull our troops out, but only after a broad coalition of the Iraqi government moves to embrace the worldwide ascendancy of educated, barefaced, articulate women with Western hairstyles and a taste for lipstick.

Rep. I'd stay the course indefinitely. I'm confident that, with American oversight, more Iraqi people can learn to embrace Western grooming habits and Western business attire, the first step in any move toward a successful Israeli-style presence in the Middle East.

Ind. I'd leave the question of troops to the oil companies and others who do business in that region. Meanwhile, I'd launch a campaign to remind people that good music and great television are more powerful than any religion—Islam in particular. And that sexy women are sexier than men in general and male religious figures in particular.

"Just which type of candidate do you favor in the next presidential election, Mr. Harper?" I'm not sure I care, as long as the grocery stores in my neighborhood continue to provide so many thousands of delicious choices in a pleasant, air-conditioned environment.

Q. What would you do to curtail or reverse global warming?

Dem. For starters, I'd ask everyone in the world to drink their specialty coffees out of biodegradable cups and to reuse their shampoo and conditioner bottles. Then I'd ask everybody who hasn't done so already to switch to flat-panel monitors. Sleek and fashionable, these monitors will one day take up far less room in landfills than the old cathode-ray tubes.

Rep. I'd enlist the help of the Department of Defense in ramping up our programs to build rocket-propulsion systems at both Poles, with sufficient power to continuously adjust the earth's orbit around the sun for optimal temperature ranges not only throughout the Western Hemisphere but across the entire planet. America has once again, I believe, been called on to perform something like the miracle that resulted in the first man on the moon, nearly forty years ago, during the very first year of Dick Nixon's illustrious tenure as the first Republican president since Dwight David Eisenhower.

Ind. I'd start by introducing a line of bumper stickers that excoriate people who seem to think they need to drive around in giant trucks and drink giant sodas out of giant cups.

Q. What about education?

Dem. I'd ask every potential American parent to consider adopting a healthy Chinese or Ukrainian baby, and to make sure these children get plenty of certified pure omega-3 fatty acids and twice-weekly lessons in classical music or dance.

Rep. I'd increase funding for private boot camps for at-risk children. For the rest, I'd continue rigorous standards of accountability, rewarding those schools that perform well and penalizing those schools that don't. Look at our private corporations—not just in Silicon Valley but in places like Detroit and Atlanta. These organizations are the envy of the world. Their secret? They pay the top performers out of all proportion to their peers.

Ind. I'd reinstitute a teacher's right to strike fear into the hearts of insubordinate children. There's no substitute for a sharp rap to the knuckles with a stout wooden ruler.

Q. Health insurance?

Dem. I'd push for universal health coverage for all—paid for, initially, by the dismantling and sale of American churches, mosques, and temples (and thereafter by a share of the profits from those religious institutions that agree to become casinos or bed and breakfasts).

Rep. I'd increase signage to emergency rooms in every town across America. America's workers are the backbone of this nation, and they need care when they need it.

Ind. I'd introduce a five-hour-a-week minimum exercise requirement to qualify for insurance. Then I'd increase signage to emergency rooms. Finally, I'd legalize patient-assisted suicide.

Q. Foreign policy?

Dem. America needs to let the rest of the world know that we're not as gauche as they might like to think. Do they know, for example, that many of us adore France and England? That we're in awe of China and that we long for the clamor of India? That we think of Scandinavia and Iceland as more than just home to preternatural beauties with pellucid skin? In short, we need to remind the world that some of us are just as cosmopolitan as they are, and that many of us have spent a year abroad—or more—during our college years.

Rep. We need to form a stronger partnership with Russia, our only hope in controlling the nuclear nexus of China, Pakistan, and India. We also need to realize that this isn't your grandma's world anymore. Democracy, for many in the developing world, is only a click away. We need to work hard to get the rest of the world online. Once that's taken care of, we can turn our attention to more important matters back home.

Ind. For starters, we need to create a United States of North America, welcoming Mexico and Canada into the fold. Then we need to invite Israel to move en masse into the empty states of Utah and Nevada. The Mormons could be invited to relocate to someplace in what is now northwest Canada, far from the usual temptations.

Q. How do you stand vis-à-vis abortion?

Dem. A woman has the right to choose the fate of her unborn children.

Rep. A man has the right to choose the fate of his unborn children according to the sacred principles of life, defined as beginning with the Big Bang.

Ind. It might be nice if more desperately poor people had the option of clean, safe, doctor-assisted abortions. On the other hand, those people who can easily afford abortions would do well to consider that, should the burdens of parenthood become too much, they can hire people to look after their children for at least part of each day, as they continue to pursue the good life, uninterrupted by the incessant clamor and rather unsophisticated pastimes typical of the first several years of human life.