RDH - Heterosexual Marriages: Rare, Especially in Secular Societies

Heterosexual Marriages: Rare, Especially in Secular Societies

February 4, 2007

An excellent way to determine where you stand on the gay marriage issue is to ask yourself what you think about the place of women in strict Muslim societies. You're fine with it? Okay. Then you are no doubt also strongly opposed to gay marriage.

Another indication that you probably oppose gay marriage is if, for example, you're a male truck driver who loves the female form, and your wife stays at home, perpetually pregnant with your child, while you roam the country in your customized cockpit like some sort of modern-day knight-errant. If that's you, then at the very least you're no doubt a proponent of heterosexual marriage.

Or perhaps you're of the opinion that as soon as your wife turns thirty-nine you should be able to turn her in for a seventeen-year-old and start a new family, after a few years of trying to keep your new wife happy.* In that case also, your anti-gay-marriage credentials are pretty strong.

But if, on the other hand, you feel that women should have equal standing with men in all matters, and that marriage is an equal partnership, and that erectile dysfunction is something to talk through with your partner, then you are almost certainly in favor of gay marriage even if you say that you are not. Not only that, but your own marriage is probably a lot gayer than you think. (If you fail to see the logic here, it's not all that complicated or deep: if the sexes in a marriage are equal, it is a more or less same-sex marriage. And there's a lot to be said for the harmony in such marriages, if not the passion or drama.)

Note, by the way, that it is usually the men rather than the women who are opposed to gay marriage, just as men are usually the ones providing the most vehement voices in antiabortion circles. That's because we men, though we tend to have prominent external genitalia, well, aside from that, we can usually provide no other ironclad proof of our role in procreation aside from a DNA test, which, if you're not a scientist, doesn't really prove anything. (No, really: you must take a scientist's word for the results of a DNA test; you cannot, no matter how much you might want to, see for yourself with any degree of certainty whatsoever.)

"I must object that your discussion seems to be somewhat adolescent." And this time I have to admit that you're right. I decided to lighten up for a day.

So there's a fundamental insecurity when it comes to matters of sex, marriage, and parenthood that men have but women do not. Let's take a look inside the mind of the married, heterosexual, pro-life, anti-gay-marriage man:

". . . No doubt about it, this marriage thing is really a sweet deal. It's nothing less than public confirmation of my own God-given virility—especially on those days when me and the little woman are seen together at church. Put another way, being married certifies that, in contrast to my wife, I'm a man. . . . Speaking of church, I can't see allowing abortion. Just the thought that a woman can undo the proof that I'm potent with a visit to the doctor's office horrifies me. Thank God for my son and daughter, but what if they died in a fiery crash? My vasectomy may not be reversible, and I can't have them someday getting robbed of the right to have my grandchildren—proof that my offspring are in fact virile also. . . . God I do love those girl-on-girl beer commercials. . . . My wife really likes it when I go down on her, but I've seen women who can stick out their tongues a lot farther than I can. I mean it's not as big as my dick but it's more mobile. Still, I bet it doesn't fill her up in quite the same way . . . but they could use a strap-on. . . . No. Banish that thought. But I should practice more with my fingers. Next time we're really getting into it. But sometimes I start to lose my concentration. Still, I may not always be in the condition that I'm in right now. I've never smoked though, thank God. . . . But if you think I'm going to stand by while the law sanctifies union between two women, you've got another thing coming. . . . I should read that sex manual. And I need to remember not to drink so much. . . ."

Fortunately for us men, there are lots of ways to prove oneself, marriage or no marriage. Ever-faster microchips, for starters. But it doesn't have to be that fancy or impressive. Any accomplishment can be turned into a matter of male pride: e.g., With a tool like mine, you need to build a shed over it, says the man with the beer belly.

So, next time you hear arguments against gay marriage, remember that it's a matter of pride.

*Such a move could prove to be very exciting and stimulating, especially if the young replacement (a) really liked you, even though you were old, and (b) was herself extremely attractive in addition to being young. But you should realize of course that your wife, for her part, may be dying to trade you in for a twenty-one-year-old football hero. Marriage requires a mutual swallowing of pride. We're all getting older, and someday we'll all be dead. Some people, gay or not, simply prefer to face this inevitability with someone their own age. And with the way men's minds tend to work, I'm not surprised that the best couple isn't always a man and a woman.